Monday, March 9, 2009

Day ... is it seven?

OK, my DVD showed up a few days ago. But I'm a lame-o, so today was the first time I did it.

For a while my excuse was a lack of space. We just got a new sofa and ottoman in front of our television, and they eat up a lot of space. So much space that I have to modify Wii fit a lot. Basically, I'm good as long as I'm on the Wii fit board, but anything that involve lying down on the ground is out of the question.

Then the light bulb went off!!! (It took a while because a lack of blood flow to the brain.)

I could workout using my desktop. In my study. Which has so much open floor space that my daughter constantly commandeers it for dancing around to her iPod. ZOMG!!1!!!

So. Here I am before.

Here I am after.

Please note the pink face.

And say goodbye to those batwings.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Day 3 and Day 4: In which my inner lame-o manifests itself

So yesterday I did nothing, mostly because when I was about 95 percent finished with this BlogHer post, I decided to center one of my images, added a little html, refreshed the screen, and Lost The Whole Fucking Thing.

This meant that I had to start over from scratch with the images and the links and the tiny amount of original verbiage which, like the batter in a fruitcake, binds it all together into an actual blog post.

When that was done, I had to lie down and decompress. And then I got busy again, and never got around to doing even a lame-ass Wii Fit workout.

I made up for it today. My Jillian DVD is still on its way from Amazon, but I went to the gym, where I spent half an hour on the stair climber and another half an hour on the Elliptical.

Because I am old and fat, the elliptical machine suggested a maximum heart rate approximately 30 beats a minute lower than it was when I climbed onto the goddamned thing, so I spent basically half an hour cooling down.

Then I went to the cafe and got a smoothie. And somewhere or other, lost my iPhone.

If only I could reach my butt, I'd totally kick it. I hope Jillian's DVD will show up soon and do it for me.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Day 2: 186: Wiimpy workout

I'm still waiting for my workout DVD from Amazon, so for today's "shred," (and I'm using the term lightly) I did Wii fit.

My personal virtual Wii trainer told me that I hadn't used Wii fit in 204 days. And when I started to do it, I remembered why. It just seems so lame.

I have questions.

1. Does anyone actually care that much about balance? (I mean, don't you get the idea that the Wii worries about balance because it can measure balance better than anything else?)

2. Can a half hour workout where you don't break a sweat really be called a workout?

3. I keep getting bonked in the head with hula hoops. Should I feel like spaz?

On the other hand, I love the Wii for telling me that I weigh 186 when my bathroom scale had just said 191. ZOMG!!1!! I've already lost five pounds!!!!

So there's that.

Monday, March 2, 2009

Day 1: The Shredful Truth

Just when I started to believe that I was going to spend the rest of my life looking like Jabba the Hutt, I saw this post by Kristen Chase of Motherhood Uncensored:


a) Pictures


How can I wear print pajama bottoms in a bedroom crawling with toile? Which I just decided to call Crawle?


My attempts to photograph my enormous centaur-like ass


The side view shows off where I am really just too damned buxom

b) Tagline So far I've got "Get shreddy." Somehow I don't think a career in marketing awaits me.

c) Weight: 191 pounds by the bathroom scale, which, unfortunately, tries to be my friend, and therefore, has been known to be a lying sack of shit.

d) Goal: Clouds-part-and-centaurs-gambol-while-Beethoven-plays Fantasia goal: 150. Regular, attainable, difficult-but-possible goal: 160.

e) Diet Plan: Counting calories. A maximum of 1600 a day.

f) Personal Rules: I've already given up sweets and white wine for Lent. No eating after 8:00, only drink red wine, with a maximum of two glasses a day. No abstaining during the week and then drinking three glasses on Friday night.

g) Shred Plan: I ordered the DVD today, so until it shows up, I'll walk/treadmill and lift some 8-pound weights.